So, um, Technically, Legally, it's "Lord Benjamin Gorman" Now

I bought part of a castle in Scotland. A small part. Specifically, a square foot of it. But that’s enough.

The real certificate is in the mail, but they send you a PDF right away. You know, a PDF? The extension most often used by official government agencies? More evidence that this is 100% legal.

On my birthday, I decided to get a new tattoo, but I am still playing phone tag to schedule that appointment with a new artist. Tattoos do not appear immediately when one decides they ought to. “That’s a good thing, because I have had some really bad tattoo ideas before which luckily did not make it onto my skin.) I wanted to receive a gift for my birthday, even if it meant giving it to myself, and a Groupon offer came through my email which provided a means to contribute to the restoration of a Scottish castle in exchange for the title of “Lord.” It seems this is something a castle owner is entitled to, so the folks behind the restoration are giving these titles out (along with fancy certificates and rights to visit the … I mean MY property whenever I want) in exchange for funds for the restoration. So I got myself one.

Now, I can guess what you might be thinking. “You can’t just buy a title of nobility.” Yes, you can. That’s the second most common way to get a title. The most common way is for your parents to give it to you. Which mine did! I used the birthday money they sent me to buy the piece of the castle, so I can even say I inherited the title!

Now, your next concern might be: “Is Benjamin Gorman the kind of pretentious douche who is going to make us call him ‘Lord Benjamin Gorman’ all the time now?” No. Lord Benjamin Gorman is not that pretentious. Lord Benjamin Gorman will not be updating Lord Benjamin Gorman’s bios to include the title or adding his very legal and real title of nobility to the front cover of his books. Lord Benjamin Gorman isn’t like that.

And, just so we’re all clear, I am not your lord. Unless you live around Dunans Castle and are still my vassal. If that’s the case, I officially set you free. Or, at least, I grant you whatever tiny fraction of your freedom I can, since you probably have thousands of lords and ladies who might want to keep you in bondage to the land. What does my tiny fraction of freedom entitle you to? I don’t know. Maybe a smoke break or something. Get in touch and I’ll see what I can do about convincing the other lords and ladies to set you free.

Also, I am not The Lord. Please do not pray to me. That would make me very uncomfortable. I do not have any wish-granting powers. In fact, it might be best for all concerned if you don’t believe in me. Be an atheist regarding the existence of Lord Benjamin Gorman. Think of me as imaginary. You can still read my books and presume they are pseudonymous, and you can politely respect other people’s right to believe in my existence while scoffing occasionally at their poor judgement, and since I don’t exist, I will never disappoint you by failing to grant your prayers. It’s really better for everyone that way.

I’m going to go get some new business cards made.